Arkansas Humor

Uncle Brice

Fixin' America

What’s wrong with America? I mean, really…what’s so wrong that everybody and his brother want to fix America? From what Lou Dobbs tells me, our country seems to be having an immigration crisis. That, of course, means far too many people are acting like Eddie Murphy in his role as Prince Akeem and Coming to America. Some are coming legally; some are not.

It’s my understanding they had a little immigration crisis at the Little Rock Country Club when 11 employees were arrested for possibly not being legal about things and no one else knew how to mow the grass or set out the hor douvres.

The point is this: if all those people are coming to America, what can be so wrong with it?

I’m glad you asked ‘cause there’s plenty. Mostly lawyers, politicians and corporations but, other than that, most Americans are good folks. They’re nice to be around, and they like to have fun. When they have an opportunity, they work for what once was a living wage and they do their best to have food, clothing, shelter and, perhaps, a cold one on occasion.

Here’s a few things that could be done to fix America. First we need to make a few minor adjustments to the legal system. Did you know that, in Arkansas, a surgeon can make a mistake in the operating room that changes your way of life and not be held accountable for it but if he gets caught with a .08 blood alcohol level driving home from the golf course after having a cold one or two, he’s in serious trouble.

And if he happens to have a wreck with that .08, well, every lawyer in town will take your case and if they don’t win it for you, you don’t owe ‘em a dime. So here’s the change. If a lawyer represents you in a civil case and you lose – your attorney pays you whatever you were suing for. I figger it won’t take but a couple of those cases and we’ll see a drastic drop in litigation.

Now to the politicians. United States Representatives shall be elected to one 8-year term and they can never hold office again. U. S. Senators shall be elected to one 12-year term and, likewise, they can never hold office again. The Supreme Court will be appointed this way: nine justices will serve staggered nine-year terms. Three will be appointed by the U. S. Senate, three by the House of Representatives and three by the President. Each year one justice is appointed over a period of nine years, and then you start all over.

Lobbyists shall be registered and never allowed in a government building except to renew their driver's license or automobile tags. Furthermore, it shall be grounds for immediate recall if a member of Congress receives any communication from a lobbyist. Lobbyists can hold up a sign out in the street like everybody else does if they want a member of Congress to see something.

Other Special Interest Type Folks should really consider their issue. Just because you believe that a salamander in western Wyoming is more important than human life and border security doesn't mean we need a danged salamander law. Put up a sign that says, "Don't Step on the Danged Salamanders" and be done with it.

Because of these fine Special Interest Type Folks, you can be arrested and pay a fine in Arkansas for not wearing a seat belt in your car, but it's okay to ride your motorcycle in the same traffic without a helmet.

Isn't it funny that when Sanctity of Marriage was threatened by allowing a certain group of people to get married, no one ever mentioned how divorce contributes to the Sanctity of Marriage? I mean, think about it: if marriage is really all that sanctified, people should not be allowed to divorce because they're saying their marriage wasn't all that sanctified.

So, if half the marriages in America aren't sanctified because of divorce and the other two-thirds aren't sanctified because of cheating spouses and another 5% are not very sanctimonious because of spousal abuse, how could any two people wanting to get hitched upset that apple cart? I'm just asking.

While I certainly respect the right of Special Interest Type Folks to express their views on abortion -- that's all it is: their views. Why should everyone else need to live by their views?

But that's exactly why Special Interest Type Folks get together. They want everybody to conform to their chosen lifestyle. History teaches us that worked out really well during the Prohibition years. And there's the never ending War on Drugs. Just Say No was a neat Nancy Reagan phrase, but it turns out that's about all it was.

You see, one of the things we have not learned from history is that you cannot force folks to live by rules they don't support. For instance, how many tax dollars are wasted each DAY by authorities trying to "police" prostitution? I mean, we've got cops dressing up like hookers and a whole bunch more cops waiting in the wings for a man to do what just comes natural to him. Diseases are being spread because there is no oversight on the profession that will never go away. So we got more tax dollars providing medical treatment for folks who can't afford health insurance, but can afford a hooker.

It seems now, especially in Arkansas, the most vocal group of Special Interest Type Folks are non-smokers. Now I've got to see that TV commercial again before I comment too much, but that shouldn't be a problem because it's the biggest presence on television about Arkansas state government. I'll get back to you on this one.

Now, having said all that, I don't think folks should smoke because it's not healthy for the smoker. It just doesn't seem right to be addicted to and controlled by something like that. And, according to the American Lung Association, cigarettes are a gateway drug that leads to alcohol and illicit drug abuse and is associated with teens carrying weapons and engaging in high-risk sexual behavior.

Cigarettes make you carry weapons?

... to be continued 'cause I got a whole lot more to say.

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