Arkansas Humor

Uncle Brice

Understanding the Middle East Problem

There is a problem in the middle eastern portion of the world. Let me rephrase that. There are problems in what is called The Holy Land. Actual fact, calling it Holy is one of the biggest problems 'cause anytime you mix religion and people, things get messed up.

More about that later. The Middle East is like a five-year old's toy box. And it's an old toy box! You see, back about 1516 A.D. there were a bunch of Ottomans left over from Hank's Fyne Furniture and Catfish Emporium Third Weekly Annual January Sale. Actual fact, there were so many Ottomans they took control of the Middle East and it was known as the Ottoman Empire.

(Note for school kids: this could have been called the Turkish Empire, but it wasn't. Turkish is often used with taking a bath and has nothing to do with furniture. Actual fact is that right next to the Ottoman section of the Middle East was the Persian section where all the rugs are. Don't take my word for it; ask those good folks at Martinous Oriental Rugs and Magic Carpets : they know all about Persian rugs.)

Anyway, those turkeys had everything in control until 1918 (folks good in math will tell you that's over 400 years, which is a lot longer than the United States of America have been united). Well, actual fact is they had most everything in control 'cause long about 1880 (when Billy the Kid was acting up in America) the Palestinian kids decided they wanted to be independent from the Ottomans.

Meanwhile there was a pogrom in Russia. Now a pogrom is sort of like a program without the "r" and with a lot of violence. The program was this: we don't like Jewish people, and the accompanying violence made it a pogrom. Now the Jewish people came up with their own word: aliyah. That's pronounced ahhhhh-leeeeee-yahhhhh-letsgettheheckouttahere.

So the Jewish folks fled violence and moved south to share the Palestinian toybox. Anyway, about 200 Jewish folks planned to hold a meeting in 1897 in Germany. What were they thinking? People who didn't like Jewish people lived all over Europe, perhaps none more negative toward Zionists than the Germans, and these folks plan to hold the first-ever Zionist Convention in Germany.

"Not in our toybox," said the Germans so that convention was held in a casino in Switzerland because Swiss people are so busy making watches and chocolate that they don't have time to hate anybody. Besides, if you owned a casino wouldn't you want a convention of people identified with money to be welcomed?

Anyway, seven young Serbian boys got together in 1914 and assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife, Sophie. They were celebrating their 14th wedding anniversary in Sarajevo. I point that out to you married guys. Always do something good on your anniversary. Franz messed up and World War I was the result.

World War I has more to do with the Palestinian toy box than most anything else. In secret meetings, France and England were making promises right and left in order to get people to help them. The Arabs in Palestine were promised freedom from the Ottomans if they would help. (FYI - Iraq was also part of the Ottoman Empire.)

Then the Brits and French discovered they needed help from the United States if they were going to win the war and control of the Ottoman Empire. "Let's get the Jewish people to help us convince the Americans." So they promised the Jewish people their own section in the Palestinian toy box; you know, the one that had already been promised to the Arabs.

And they promised Russia a slice of the pie if they would help defeat Germany. Well, as you may or may not know, Russia had its own problems in 1917. Like a revolution! So it was decided not to give Russia anything! So Lenin made public all the secret documents and the Arabs really got pis upset. And it got worse.

ABout 80% of the territory became Jordan. The remainder was turned over to the new League of Nations to decide what to do. They pretty much abstained by creating a British mandate of the land.

Eventually, the toy box was laid out. The Jewish people would get a small slice along the Mediterranean Sea; the Arabs would get the rest but the towns of Jerusalem and Bethlehem would be international towns, not controlled by either.

Jerusalem, of course, is the shiniest toy in the box. Both kids could play with it but it didn't belong to either of them.

"Uncle Brice? How'd that work out?"

Click here for the answer.

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