Arkansas no longer requires Safety Inspections in order for you to buy or renew your vehicle's license tags, but YOU CERTAINLY NEED TO CHANGE YOUR OIL on a regular basis for your own financial safety. There are two basic ways to do it.
The Arkansas Female Method:
Drive to Jiffy Lube.
Drink a cup of coffee while technicians perform the necessary maintenance.
Fifteen minutes later, write a check, smile and drive away.
Time required: 30 minutes, top. Cost: less than $30.00
The Arkansas Male Method
On Saturday morning, drive to WalMart. Purchase a case of oil, an oil filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and camoflage gear for hunting season. Write a check for $115.00.
Stop at Adult Beverage Store for a case of cold, liquid barley and hops. Use your credit card. $18.00.
Park in your driveway, put away your purchases and have a beverage to prepare for the task at hand.
Jack up the front of your car.
Begin search for ramps.
Find ramps in the back yard where your son is practicing for a career as the next Evil Knieval.
Place ramps under front tires for maximum safety.
Have another beverage.
Place large plastic container under the engine oil pan.
Begin search for 9/16 wrench.
End search after 30 minutes with crescent wrench in hand.
Drop crescent wrench beside car and have another beverage.
Unscrew drain plug.
Pardon your French as plug drops into plastic container of hot oil and splashes onto your face.
Crawl out from under car to wipe oil from your face and to throw kitty litter onto the few drops that landed on the driveway.
Have a beverage while watching the oil drain.
Begin search for old oil filter wrench since you forgot to buy a new one while at WalMart.
After 15 minutes, crawl back under car with hammer and screwdriver.
Nail the screwdriver through the oil filter and twist it from the engine.
Crawl out from under the car and throw more kitty litter on the larger oil stain.
Open a can of oil and spread a little around the seal of the new oil filter.
Have another beverage before crawling back under the vehicle.
Slide over the oily kitty litter on your back and twist oil filter into place, being careful not to twist it too far.
Realize you forgot to change shirts and think briefly about how you're going to explain the stain to your boss on Monday.
Decide you needed a new shirt with your name over the pocket anyway, and have another beverage to celebrate how easily you solved what could have been a stressful situation.
Pour that opened quart of oil into the engine.
Pardon your French as you remember the drain plug is still in the plastic container of hot oil.
Jerk plastic container from under the car, splashing more oil on your driveway and allowing the fresh oil to mix with the oily kitty litter as you thrust your hand in the hot oil to retrieve the drain plug.
Crawl into oily mess under the vehicle and quickly screw the plug into the oil pan. Glance over to see the crescent wrench in the driveway - five feet away.
Pardon your French as you crawl out from under the car, grab the wrench and while increasing the volume of your French you fling yourself back toward the vehicle.
Hit your head on the car and educate the neighborhood as to your mastery of French.
Tighten the drain plug.
Grab another beverage and a clean cloth to wipe blood from your forehead.
Pour five quarts of oil into the engine.
Remove car from ramps and back up far enough to throw more kitty litter on the giant oil spill.
Place beer on passenger seat and test drive the car around the block.
Have a personal conversation with the police officer while pointing to your house and explaining you were simply making sure the oil saturated the engine.
Call your wife from jail.
Write a check to the bail bondsman.
Write a check to the impound lot to get your car back.
Spend Monday morning with Judge Hale in Sherwood Municipal Court.
Time Required: 12 hours. Cost: WalMart, $115.00; Beverage Store, $18.00, Bail Bondsman, $250.00, Impound Lot, $75.00; DUI Conviction, $2,500.00.
